I Dream in Chevrons

Hey guys! I'm gonna go ahead and throw my friend under the bus here**: My new post was delayed because it's gone up through the blog of the band I'm in, The Merry Wives of Windsor. So I'll put the first part here and then to get to the juicy sewing stuff you'll have to click through: 

Written on the flight from LAX to ORD as our intrepid hero mistakenly poured an entire mini bottle of vodka into her tiny airplane cup, Overestimating how much space she had around the ice. Forgive me; this may be less than coherent. Also there’s such little space, I’m typing like a goddamn t-rex. All hands to boobs and whatnot.

Edit: this was later cleaned up a bit by a sober and exhausted Clara who remembered this was going on the MWOW site and not her personal, saucy blog.

The Status is not Quo

So much has changed these last couple months since I last updated The Stitchin’ Bitch. In particular, I auditioned and got into a fancy-schmancy folk/celticish/drinking band called The Merry Wives of Windsor. They are seriously a chill-ass group of ladies that I am blessed to lend my voice to. I’d highly encourage checking them out if you haven’t already clicked the link. Do it. Doooo iiiiit….

Okay guys, to read the rest of the post click here (or on the picture, I'm having issues getting the link to work.)

**Okay Claire didn't actually delay anything that long, she is a sweet and awesome person and I'm a lazy ass who has a lot of draft posts that I'm too lazy to get to. I owe her a margarita... or 3.

Just the Tip

It's been a while...

sorry about that. Among other things, I was busy graduating, so not a lot of time to do blogging or sewing (though since I've graduated, I've made A LOT of random stuff) I suppose this means I have to change all my profile blurbs from student to recent grad or something. Cue panicking and fuck shit fuck...

But enough about that.

As a few of you know, here on the Stitchin' Bitch, we aren't too fancy and aren't very great with all this "draping" shit so I use store bought patterns and then fit them and alter them either on my own or with gratuitous amounts of help from fairy-god-siblings. It doesn't take  *too* much to figure out how to adapt patterns to fit to something that isn't quite what the original designer had in mind. It's pretty much as easy as taking the sleeve from a jacket pattern and sticking it onto a bodice pattern to make a less "fairytale" looking arm covering. Anyway, the problem is that a lot of those shitty store-bought patterns you get from Joanne's (Joanne? Joanns? Joann? Someone let me know how you're actually supposed to pronounce it because while the website says "Joann" I've seen stores with an apostrophe) come on this shitty flimsy-ass paper that is harder to fold back up and stick into the envelope than it is to make the $20 swallowing swords or juggling balls or just straight-up turning tricks(heh, innuendo) to buy a whole damn new pattern if you ever decide you want to pull that pattern out again or salvage it for parts. On top of that, I find that when I'm trying to even use the pattern, if I don't complete my task in under 2-3 hours, the thing gets crinkled and fucked up and tears apart and AUUUGUHHHHHHHH.

Sorry, what was I saying?

Oh yeah.

So using an additional like, $0.50 of materials, I came up with a way to make your patterns less flimsy so that you can maybe, fold them up individually and pull them out again later and not feel like you're handling them with the care you'd handle Clara Bow's vintage underthings (Hint: you'd handle them delicately because they're like 100 years old and probably quite lacy.)

The Stitchin' Bitch Solution to Firming Up Those Shitty-Ass Pattern Pieces You Get From the Store

For this project you will need: 

• Your shitty-ass pattern
• Scissors. The ones you use for paper, NOT YOUR FABRIC SCISSORS, IDIOT, YOU'LL FUCK THEM UP AND REGRET IT LATER.
• Butcher paper or other heavy large paper (they sell this by the yard at most craft stores. I chose black because I own a surplus of gel pens that write nicely on black. Also it's slimming.
• Spray mount. Look for the "workable" kind or "repositionable" because if you fuck up with placement, you might be able to peel it up and re-stick it.

Tea is optional but damn tasty

Step 1:

Cut out your original pattern pieces as you usually would. It's okay to swear here, this flimsy stuff sucks. I also forgot to get a picture of this step.

Step 2:

Lay out your pattern pieces and roughly estimate the amount of paper you'll need to back your patterns. 

Step 3:

Spray a pattern-piece-size space of spray-mount onto your paper. This stuff will 1. get everywhere or 2. works best with just the slightest amount so I suggest choosing the "get everywhere" option and keeping wet-wipes around. If you spray too close, the glue will pool up and seep through the pattern and be sticky and make a mess and also, your pattern piece won't lie evenly. The right amount will feel like a very sticky post-it.

Step 4:

Carefully apply the pattern (using two hands, I only used one because I was taking the picture here.) it's easiest to start from one side or start from the very center and smooth it out from there to ensure the least amount of wrinkles.

Step 5:

Once your pattern pieces are all smoothed out onto the butcher paper, cut the pieces out again. Please use scissors you don't like, just incase some sticky gets on them and never comes off.

Step 6:

Bask in your new pile of durable pattern pieces. You're awesome. Did you know that? Just. Fucking. Awesome.

Seriously, compare that shitty crumpled mess with your nice new, durable pieces and pat yourself on the back. Or better yet, make yourself a drink. Now you can re-use this shit over and over again, no worries!

Next time: more lies about what I'm going to post on here next time. I'm actually afraid to post what I'm going to put here anymore because it basically PROMISES that the mentioned project will never get done. Like, I still have a 2 year old faire gown I haven't posted yet. YES IT'S THAT BAD.

HOLYCRAP UNEXPECTED DIY

This isn't much but I found these adhesive trims in the checkout line at michaels and I recently got a new phone case because my old one went missing. I'm starting to think that self-adhesive stuff is my fucking salvation, I love using it for stuff. Anyway this was the result of my latest acquisition:

I'll show you how I did it real quick before getting back to homework:

DIY mermaid-ey cellphone case

You will need:

1. Self- adhesive trims. I found mine in the checkout at Michael's crafts. They're out for spring so if you're a fan of pastel and sparkles, there ya go. (I also got a pack of adhesive pearls and rhinestones. They did not get used but I'll stick 'em on other shit later I'm sure.

   

   Heh, you can see the edge of my Little Mermaid bathrobe. That's optional

2. A cellphone case. You can use the back of your regular phone if you'd like but I'm not that committed to ANYTHING so I like the option of removing the entire case and changing it out when I get bored. It also provides a nice solid color base. I got mine off of amazon for like 4 bucks.
   
3. Craft glue or better yet, superglue. This s optional but it helps clean things up later. You can do this entire tutorial using regular trims too and just sticking them down with glue but that's messy and I'm lazy.

How you do this shit:

aka, once again: how Clara sticks things onto other things. Also, drink every time I write "scallop"

1. Roughly measure the width of your case to the trim of your choosing. I used the scalloped lace because it sort of looked like mermaid scales. You can use any other kind of scalloped trim, I think, and you'd get a similar effect. Here I figured that the width was about 4 loops long.
   
2. Cut the trim to the measurement you took. With self-adhesive stuff, it's easier to just cut the paper too.
   
3. Starting from the bottom of your case, start laying down rows of trim. If you want a scale effect, stagger them so that the center of one loop has two loops meeting underneath it. Take care to layer the trim so that it's somewhat overlapping to get the really textured effect. If you don't you'll see the stripes from the trim's base and you'll lose the scaly look. Don't worry if your trim is fraying at the ends or if the loops come undone at an end. We'll take care of that in a sec. 
   
4. Once you've stacked your rows of trim as high as you want them, admire your work. Then take another strip of plain trim and starting at the top corner of your scalloped trim start sealing down the loose edges of the scallops. The plain trim will make a frame around the scales, though at the bottom, I had the trim go around the base of case, not the bottom row. You'll have to stretch some of the loose ends to go under your frame but no one will notice. I promise.

   

   Ignore the errant pearl.

5. Ta-da: your'e pretty much done. you can add more or less from there. I thought mine would look pretty with some extra pearls. It did not. But there you go. Be mermaid-ey and enjoy your new semi-ostentatious cellphone case.

   

   What kind of photos do mermaids take?

   
   

   

   Shell-fies.
   
   Don't hurt me.

   
   

I don't think there's a next time on this one because it was an unexpected post but eventually there will be a pattern review. I'm just waiting for a my petticoat to come in.

Happy Holidays. I'm a Sick Person.

Well hello again,

So happy holidays and new year from the Stitchin' Bitch. It's weird to think I've been sort of doing this for over a year now but I'm not sure if it counts because of how often I don't write about what I do. Among other things this year, I made a shitty Vanessa (Human Ursula) for like the last minute but I thought it was okay. Sometimes, I still wear the gold shell necklace because I have a problem.

Now that the holiday season is over, I figured I'd belatedly create a tutorial for you all. This is how my sister and I wrap holiday gifts because we're terrible people and our friends know it. It's basically like a sick Turducken with adorable stuffed animals and makes for a fun and violent unwrapping session. And now, without further a-do, here is my stuffed animal gift-wrap tutorial.

the things my friend has to put up with...

You will need.

1. A few stuffed animals of various sizes.

2. the present you intend on actually giving a person.

Pictured: 2 corgis, a rhinoceros and a tube of super glue.

3. a seam ripper (I have a beautiful, hand crafted, wood-handled one I wear as a necklace sometimes.)

4. a needle and thread

5. snips/scissors
6. a tag gun (optional)
7. a pretty morbid sense of humor.

It should go without saying but it is important to note, I'm using stuffed animals and this wrapping project is a joke. Yes I do give people presents this way but no I do not advocate murdering precious little animals for amusement. I feel like this is gonna get met some "you're sick!" messages from someone eventually.

Y'all have have no idea how sick I am.

How to do this shit:

1. choose your smallest stuffed animal. You work from smallest to largest because that's how you stuff things into other things (I suppose.) Locate the seam along it's belly that will be your ripping guide.

Feel free to anesthetize your plushie if you'd like.

2. Once you locate the seam, start to rip it. This will be fairly difficult but as soon as you find the thread, the seam will pretty much rip itself.

3. Once the puppy's tummy is open, stuff your present inside (This time it was a tube of superglue for a white elephant exchange.)

 4. Sew your little guy up.

 5. Next, locate your next stuffed animal. Note that this one didn't have a stomach seam.

6. In case you don't have a center seam, take your scissors and time for some cuttin'.

snip snip!

7. Start removing some fluff from your larger stuffed animal to make room for the baby one. Fluff will get EVERYWHERE so be careful.

 8. Next stuff your little stuffed animal into your slightly larger stuffed animal.

 9. Sew up your medium stuffed animal and repeat the process on your final stuffed animal.

But first give him a big ol' hug.

Loooots of stuffing to remove, there.

Sew him all up.

10. From there you're pretty much done but there was one last touch my sister added. Make a tag saying something horrible like "My tummy hurts." or just "Cut me open." which at least accurate.

11. Using a tag gun (I have no idea where you get them, we just... have one) attach your tag.

 12. Et Voila, your plush Turducken of horror is complete. If your gift recipient already owns a knife, feel free to just give them instructions. If they do not, a card with a knife taped to the inside is a good, just-this-side-of-derranged addition to the schtick.

My mother was concerned. Mostly because she REALLY loved the giant rhino.

My friends get it, my parents are good natured but concerned but honestly, it's a pretty big crowd pleaser amongst the weirder of us. So if you're looking for a fun way to present your present (is that right?) to someone who loves you and probably gets you. It's also SUPER funny if you can find a shark plush.

Happy New Years, Bitches!

Next time: whatever the hell I want. Maybe I'll start doing pattern reviews, that or a chain mail diy? Do people want to see chain mail? Or perhaps I'll do something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. WOOOOOOOOOOO

Here's my pet cat, sitting on my butt: