Happy Holidays. I'm a Sick Person.

Well hello again,

So happy holidays and new year from the Stitchin' Bitch. It's weird to think I've been sort of doing this for over a year now but I'm not sure if it counts because of how often I don't write about what I do. Among other things this year, I made a shitty Vanessa (Human Ursula) for like the last minute but I thought it was okay. Sometimes, I still wear the gold shell necklace because I have a problem.

Now that the holiday season is over, I figured I'd belatedly create a tutorial for you all. This is how my sister and I wrap holiday gifts because we're terrible people and our friends know it. It's basically like a sick Turducken with adorable stuffed animals and makes for a fun and violent unwrapping session. And now, without further a-do, here is my stuffed animal gift-wrap tutorial.

the things my friend has to put up with...

You will need.

1. A few stuffed animals of various sizes.

2. the present you intend on actually giving a person.

Pictured: 2 corgis, a rhinoceros and a tube of super glue.

3. a seam ripper (I have a beautiful, hand crafted, wood-handled one I wear as a necklace sometimes.)

4. a needle and thread

5. snips/scissors
6. a tag gun (optional)
7. a pretty morbid sense of humor.

It should go without saying but it is important to note, I'm using stuffed animals and this wrapping project is a joke. Yes I do give people presents this way but no I do not advocate murdering precious little animals for amusement. I feel like this is gonna get met some "you're sick!" messages from someone eventually.

Y'all have have no idea how sick I am.

How to do this shit:

1. choose your smallest stuffed animal. You work from smallest to largest because that's how you stuff things into other things (I suppose.) Locate the seam along it's belly that will be your ripping guide.

Feel free to anesthetize your plushie if you'd like.

2. Once you locate the seam, start to rip it. This will be fairly difficult but as soon as you find the thread, the seam will pretty much rip itself.

3. Once the puppy's tummy is open, stuff your present inside (This time it was a tube of superglue for a white elephant exchange.)

 4. Sew your little guy up.

 5. Next, locate your next stuffed animal. Note that this one didn't have a stomach seam.

6. In case you don't have a center seam, take your scissors and time for some cuttin'.

snip snip!

7. Start removing some fluff from your larger stuffed animal to make room for the baby one. Fluff will get EVERYWHERE so be careful.

 8. Next stuff your little stuffed animal into your slightly larger stuffed animal.

 9. Sew up your medium stuffed animal and repeat the process on your final stuffed animal.

But first give him a big ol' hug.

Loooots of stuffing to remove, there.

Sew him all up.

10. From there you're pretty much done but there was one last touch my sister added. Make a tag saying something horrible like "My tummy hurts." or just "Cut me open." which at least accurate.

11. Using a tag gun (I have no idea where you get them, we just... have one) attach your tag.

 12. Et Voila, your plush Turducken of horror is complete. If your gift recipient already owns a knife, feel free to just give them instructions. If they do not, a card with a knife taped to the inside is a good, just-this-side-of-derranged addition to the schtick.

My mother was concerned. Mostly because she REALLY loved the giant rhino.

My friends get it, my parents are good natured but concerned but honestly, it's a pretty big crowd pleaser amongst the weirder of us. So if you're looking for a fun way to present your present (is that right?) to someone who loves you and probably gets you. It's also SUPER funny if you can find a shark plush.

Happy New Years, Bitches!

Next time: whatever the hell I want. Maybe I'll start doing pattern reviews, that or a chain mail diy? Do people want to see chain mail? Or perhaps I'll do something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. WOOOOOOOOOOO

Here's my pet cat, sitting on my butt: